My brain has been so scrambled recently, and I think that’s a sign that I need to slow down a bit and breathe. I also feel like I haven’t written a more deep-in-my-thoughts post in awhile, so here ya go.
Basically, I’m moving out of Boston, back home to the DMV area for a while.
I feel sad about it, but not for the reasons you might think. Yes, I am definitely going to miss Boston itself, but when I initially decided I was going to move back to DC, it felt like I had failed myself. I found myself beating myself up over it. I came to Boston with these big plans to find a PR job and live here for a year or two and then move on to somewhere else. But that’s not what happened. I moved here, worked my retail job, struggled in a romantic relationship and then corona hit and my life was turned sideways (not fully upside down, but definitely knocked over a bit). I just didn’t feel like I accomplished anything here and have been struggling to figure out what the point of living here was, or what my purpose was in Boston.
But I did accomplish things. I’ve learned so much here, so even if that’s all I “gained” from moving to Boston for a year, honestly that’s a win in my book, because it’s all helping me grow. I’m actually decently proud of where I’m at right now. I still have ABSOLUTELY no idea what I want to do career-wise, but I know more of what I don’t want, I know more about where my values lie, and I met some really great people here. So even if my move to Boston didn’t pan out like I wanted it to, I still think it was purposeful and that I got something out of it, it wasn’t a failure at all.
I've learned that I don’t want an office job, and I’ve actually known this deep down my entire life. I grew up watching my mom come home from her office job everyday exhausted and it just didn’t look like fun at all. Whereas my dad seemed to have way more fun being the stay-at-home dad, doing the more “mundane” daily chores of keeping a family happy and well-fed.
I've learned that I value the relationships in my life probably above all else. Not being able to see my family as often as I would have liked was one of the hardest parts about living in Boston.
I've learned that money is not what drives me. I recently turned down a high paying part time position and picked an unpaid writing internship because that seemed more interesting to me and more along the lines of something I want to pursue long term. And obviously I am very privileged to be able to do this right now, and I don’t take it lightly that I am able to do that. (I also don’t want you to think that I am coming from some high and mighty place where I think you are evil if you do go after high paying jobs- I wish I did have one, that’s just not where I’m at right now).
I like learning. I like teaching myself new things. I like writing what I want to write about.
I’ve met a lot of people this year, and I can only hope I have been a positive light and taught them something, because they definitely taught me a thing or two. I think I had different little purposes with meeting each of these people.
Anyway. So I’m moving. That’s exciting!! And I got a writing internship!!! Yay!
I am trying to be accepting of change, because that is something I struggle with. I can’t help but feel nervous and anxious about moving because I feel a lack of stability and that scares me. Meditation has been helping though, thankfully. It’s helping to ground me in the present and not fixate on the uncertainty of the future.
But also as scary as this is, this is what I’ve always wanted. I’ve always wanted to travel and live in a bunch of places in my 20’s. I want to explore the world and see what different places have to offer. So I’m glad I am doing that. It just looks different than how I was expecting it- I thought I was going to have more certainty/stability in my life, but I guess that’s life-- it’s never certain.
I am going to come back to live in Boston/ the New England area one day, I know I have unfinished business here. But for now, we look to the future and enjoy the present. Like my dad always said, “onwards and upwards.”