Being Unmotivated

Originally written October 28, 2019

It’s easy to say that you should do something about it if you feel unfulfilled. The reality of that is that it’s hard to do anything when your mental health isn’t where it should be. It’s harder to motivate yourself, even if you know you need to make changes and just do ANYTHING.

I saw a quote today in Starbucks that read, “the scariest moment is always before you start. After that, things can only get better,” (Stephen King). This quote resonates with me because I have made this big move to Boston, I’m ready to live my life but it’s scary and I don’t know what the next step is. Here it is, the end of October after graduation and I haven’t applied for a SINGLE JOB. I haven’t even tried.

Honestly, I think I am paralyzed with fear. Not fear of rejection, but rather fear of being stagnant, not amounting up to what I want to be in my head, fear of judgement from others. I don’t even really know what I want to do in terms of a career or job, I don’t even know if I want to have a typical 9-5 job.

Typing this all out all feels ridiculous. I know that if a friend was telling me all this I would say, “you shouldn’t care what other people think! This is YOUR life, you should be doing what makes you happy. Even if it doesn’t pay well.”

I also think part of my lack of motivation is stemming from the fact that I am feeling out of place living in a new city. Back home I felt like the world was my oyster, my mom was always there in case anything went wrong. Here in Boston, I feel more confined for a multitude of different reasons.

I think in my mind I am waiting to get fully comfortable in Boston before I make any career decisions. In reality I know that it is better to jump right in head first and start somewhere. Because the sooner I start, the sooner I will begin to put down roots, and I will feel like this place is my own, and once again the world will be my oyster. But I’m scared.